It’s been a few months since I last wrote and a lot has happened. Gunner turned 1 and that was bitter sweet. Realizing you can have joy and grief in the same breath is tricky but becomes natural. It’s crazy how different my grief has changed. I live life with Cade in my heart and don’t cry as much anymore , only when I really long for him. Times where it feels like I can have a moment to my self to wish he was here enjoying the milestones of life with us. As Gunner gets bigger it’s amazing how much I imagine Cade looking like that a year or so ago and how that prediction has come to life. They really favor one another.
We got a bit of a surprise in December. We were not planning on having any more children right now but we are pregnant again. We got a positive right before Christmas that had me in shock. It was a feeling I hadn’t quite experienced before and it had me feeling ashamed, big time ashamed. I was scared and felt like I wasn’t ready for another child. I first thought how am I going to parent two kids under 2? I felt overwhelmed. We had lost our son Cade I shouldn’t feel this way, I felt ashamed for thinking this because so many long for a living child, so many struggle with fertility. Why was I feeling this way? Then as weeks went on I realized it wasn’t that i didn’t want this beautiful child, this precious gift. I didn’t want to go through pregnancy again. Even before loss Cade’s pregnancy was hard on me physically but now after loss the mental part of it is the hardest part for me.
I am now in my 3rd trimester and it has been different but simular to both my pregnancies. I didn’t have the overwhelming and crippling anxiety the whole pregnancy but at about 26 weeks is when my worry and anxiety has kicked into gear. Gunner kept me busy enough during the beginning to keep my fears out of site and the pregnancy has gone by pretty quickly. I am also having more physical pain like I did with Cade’s pregnancy that causes me to be triggered because I start to compare them and think “will this baby die too?”. There are some other events that have transpired with my family that have truly broke my heart and I’m not ready to write about out of respect for my family. It has taken me back to those first weeks after loss which is okay, its apart of the grief process but it has been so sad and hard.
Life is so messy and can be so heartbreaking. Even on those dark days we pray for the light to shine through. It might take time and the storm will still be there but the light will shine through again and maybe even a rainbow of hope will peak through. It doesn’t diminish the storm and they can both exist in the same sky.